


sleep tight baby

by myohmadi



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Jesus is gonna die and I'm so sad, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:16:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3604695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myohmadi/pseuds/myohmadi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>wouldn't it be nice if we were older? / "jesus is dead but he is not gone. he is still your brother. he will always be your brother."</p>
            </blockquote>





	sleep tight baby

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry omf

"wouldn't _it be nice if we were older?"_

The song plays on her old record player, setting the mood. It skips every other line or so, but she can barely hear it playing and it doesn't bother her one bit-- her mind is on other things. Her eyes are fixed on the ceiling, the lights are off, and she can feel the darkness engulfing her, suffocating her.

It's oddly peaceful.

She finds herself wishing she could never leave this spot. Things are calm, things are okay, no one can hurt her. She wishes she could stay there forever, she wishes she could stay still for the rest of her life, she wishes, she wishes, she wishes. 

She wishes her brother was still with her.

_"wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up in the morning when the day is new?"_

Mariana wakes up to Stef shaking her awake. "Love," she says, concern edging her voice. "It's time to wake up, love. You have to get ready for..." Her voice trails off, meeting Mariana's eyes,giving her a pained smile. She can't say the word funeral, not to her daughter, not even to herself. Maybe, she thinks, if she doesn't acknowledge his death, it won't be real.

Mariana nods, sitting upThe entire family speaks. Mariana doesn't hear a word of it. She doesn't speak-- she can't. in bed. She can hear Jude lightly snoring in the other bed. Stef hasn't woken him up yet. She picks a pillow up off of Jesus's bed, holding it close to her burying her face in it.

It still smells like him.

_"maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true..."_

Mariana stays quiet during the funeral. She has Jude's hand clasped tightly in her own, and her nails are digging into his hand, but he stays quiet because he knows Mariana needs a distraction. 

The entire family speaks. Mariana doesn't hear a word of it. She doesn't speak-- she can't.

"Mari," Lena whispers to her as the funeral draws to a close, bending down in front of her as if she is a kid. She might be. She hasn't cried this much since she was a kid. But Jesus was always, always there to comfort her. "Mari, are you sure you don't want to say something?" Mariana nods tightly, blinking to hold back the tears. "Baby, if you don't speak, you might regret it someday. I just-- I think it would be good for you, you know? Get some closure?"

Mariana bites her lip. She wonders where her voice has gone.

_"you know it seems the more we talk about it, it only makes it worse to live without it."_

Mariana stands up on the podium and suddenly it feels like she can't breathe. Everyone is looking at her, waiting for her to speak. It doesn't really matter to these people what she says. They didn't know him like she did.

"Losing a brother... sucks." She pauses, her eyes flicking down to the podium, staring holes into the mahogany wood. "But I didn't just lose a brother. I lost... my best friend. He was the only person I knew for the first seven years of my life, and he is-- was-- the only person I ever felt like I could really talk to for the next eight. He knew everything about me and I knew everything about him. He took care of me when there was no one else there. And now... he's dead."

She took a shaky breath.

"Losing a brother sucks, but what's even worse to me now is... I'm by myself for the first time in forever. And I'm not really ready for that."

The entire room is quiet, and Mariana can feel her heart beating.

_"wouldn't it be nice?"_

No one says anything on the ride home, and finally, Stef looks back at her from the front seat. "Miss Thing, let me get one thing straight. Jesus is dead but he is not gone. He will always be your brother. And you're sure as hell not alone, baby."

"We're your family," Lena says to her, flashing her a smile. A real, heartfelt smile, and there is no longer any pain behind it.  "We aren't going anywhere."

_"goodnight, my baby."_

_"sleep tight, my baby."_

 

 


End file.
